Bridging the Communication Gap Between Genders
John Gray wasn’t entirely off base when he wrote, Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.
We all seem to concur that men and women are wired differently, and it couldn’t be more evident than in the way we communicate. Men make statements. Women ask questions. We display more emotions using our body language, facial expressions, and intonation, while most men listen without expression, and see their role in the conversation as reporting facts and delivering information.
What a Girl Wants
Let’s preface this by saying that some men are emotional and expressive, and some women are more pragmatic in their conversations. That being said, when it comes to communication needs, it breaks down to these basics:
Women need:
To feel understood
To know that you care
To be reassured
Men need:
To feel appreciated
To be admired
To feel they have your approval
With our communication needs being so vastly different, it’s almost as if we’re trying to get to the same place, traveling two different highways. So it’s not surprising when both of us end a conversation feeling unfulfilled. It’s amazing how a man and woman can come away having two entirely different opinions about how a conversation just went, which can lead to misunderstanding, anger, and frustration.
Nature or nurture?
According to Dr. Jacqueline Simon Gunn, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and author of Do Communication Styles Differ by Gender?, the differences in the way men and women express are likely a result of socialization.
“Boys are socialized to be less emotional. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel emotions deeply. Rather, they tend to learn early on not to be overly expressive. Women have the reverse situation: it’s not only acceptable for them to be emotional; they are commonly expected to be expressive.”
Women tend to use more descriptive language, and to build context, which we ourselves often need when receiving information. And much of this is because our bottom line is a need to build rapport and feel understood. Men are often task-oriented, and verbal communication is simply a necessity to get the job done, literally and figuratively. They are problem-and-solution-oriented, so men are listening with a purpose of analyzing a situation and are already coming up with a solution, when sometimes, all we need is to just be “heard.”
How do we resolve our differences?
As simple as it sounds, just understanding the fact that men and women communicate differently can be incredibly helpful in paving the way to better communication.
We all need to remember that:
Men communicate to report facts and respond by trying to problem-solve
Women communicate to share something, make observations and express feelings
Men are more literal and usually mean what they say
So, maybe we should listen to what men say and learn to take it at face value, rather than overanalyze it the way we usually do, and wonder, “What did he really mean?”
Men should try to understand that while they mainly focus on facts, we focus on our intuition. And the details that may seem superfluous (sometimes we call that “rambling”) are important to us to create context and fully convey what we mean.
In the end…
Despite our differences in communication style, learning to not only listen, but really hear what someone else is saying will always make for a better exchange. Men may be from Mars, and women might be from Venus, but improving our communication isn’t rocket science. It’s a just a matter of seeing past our differences -- and listening.
By MNT2LEAD featured writer Yael Fishman
Contact Yael on Twitter or Instagram @yfishman67